This Time, Then

Last year, today, was one of the happiest days of my life. Jason and I were on a mini-vacation in the mountains of Tennessee, and we found out that we were pregnant. It was a complete shock to us both. We’d already been trying for a few years, to no avail. After being diagnosed with PCOS and working hard to do all of the practical things that I could to take better care of my body, it finally happened. Every early pregnancy discomfort was the greatest joy I had ever experienced. The nausea, sore boobs, my food aversions (particularly chocolate and eggs), the tiredness, all of it. Beautiful.

Today, I am sad. I am mourning. I’m empty handed and heavy hearted. This is where I am, today. I have been pregnant twice after this loss. The second’s due date was my birthday this year. There really is no way to full describe how much this hurts, especially after such a long journey. I’m having such a difficult time emotionally because I’m trying to find healthy ways of protecting my heart, but still be in a society filled with big bellies and babies, to not allow bitterness to interfere with the parts of my heart that is so incredibly happy for the blessings of others. This balance is very difficult to maintain, without completely ignoring my own feelings and needs. Some people may never understand the plight of a woman or family that is dealing with fertility issues, and that is perfectly okay. If you’re a person that doesn’t understand and you really care to, ask. Ask how you can help. Ask if you can pray.

No matter how far in time i’m removed from these memories, it will still have a prick in my heart. They were lives that I prayed so hard for, that I would have moved mountains to have. Yet today, I sit here, empty handed and heavy hearted, holding the onesie we purchased in Gatlinburg to remind us of the day we found out that we would finally be parents.

The good thing is, there is a tomorrow. Tomorrow doesn’t make it hurt any less, but it provides me with hope for the future. Jason and I have been incredibly blessed with people that love and support us, from all walks of life. We know that we will hold our children one day. We are in grateful anticipation for the first ultrasound, hearing the heartbeat, and watching that first breath. I look forward to the day that I can tell them about all of the people that prayed, contributed, and anticipated their arrival with us.

But, for today, I will sit here, empty handed and heavy hearted for the 3 precious beings that I am so tenderly missing.



Four Months, Lost Twice

Image Source
Image Source

Part of me tried to figure out if there was a better time to post this. There isn’t. The last few months have been the hardest few months I’ve experienced in a very long time.

On December 5th, I found out I was pregnant. On January 10th, I started miscarrying. On January 17th, I had a d & c.

D&C 01/17/14

My heart broke. Again. This was my second pregnancy loss in 4 months. I was just starting to ‘be okay’ from the loss of my last pregnancy. I don’t have enough words to describe the deep sadness that I feel. However, I am not hopeless. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I’m okay. But I’ve decided that I’m going to find freedom in being where I am, where and when I need to.

There really isn’t anything that anyone can say to take away my pain. There are no perfect words to soothe the heart that experiences loss. But, I am so incredibly blessed to have family and friends that love and support me with tears, cards, text messages, flowers, and lots of candy…and I mean the good candy.

If you know anyone that has or is experiencing loss, *PLEASE* don’t do or say things like this:
-“At least…”
-“Don’t Worry…”
-“It was meant to be…”
– Don’t compare experiences because grief is different for everyone.
– If you have kids, go extremely light on the kid talk.
– If you have kids, don’t make a habit of complaining about being tired, not using the bathroom alone, posting those “tags about pregnancy” on Facebook when you know you have friends or family members who have experienced the loss of a child. It hurt deeper than you know.
– Don’t get mad if we don’t hold your babies or go to your baby showers.

If you really want to try, DO these things:
– Ask how we are doing without trying to fix it.
– If you’re not sure what to do, ask.
– If you are looking for something to say, try these: I’m sorry this happened; I love you; I’m here.
– Do understand if we can’t attend you baby showers or kid parties.

The most beautiful thing that a few of my pregnant friends and friends with pregnant family members did was tell me before they made it public. They didn’t have to do this, but it meant the world to me.

One day, I will post a picture of my beautiful child that I will share with you as a testament of hope. Until then, I will continue living because that it all I can do. I will live well until the one that my heart longs for comes into my life.

Your Heart & The Holidays

It’s the Holiday Season. Families will be gathering, feasts will be prepared, tables will be shared, and gifts to exchange. The thing is, if you have been TTC-ing, the word ‘family’ begins to take on a different connotation. Family can turn into the mother, father, uncles, aunts, cousins, nieces and nephews that you love, into a glaring reminder that you currently have no children of your own. Prior to TTC-ing, it may have been easier to join in on the holiday festivities; then it occurs to you that you are on the sidelines. All of the joys from the season turn into a mirror of baby clothes and children’s toys.
Since my husband and I began TTC-ing, I’ve found the holidays to be increasingly difficult. This year, it’s the most intense sadness I’ve felt since losing my pregnancy in September. I had to ask myself ‘what am I going to do?’ ‘How am I going to make it through the holidays in one piece?’ After giving these questions some thought, I came up with a few solutions.
  1. Make sure that family members understand that this is a difficult time and why.
  2. Ask certain family members that you trust to stay aware of the forecast in the room and to keep an ear out for questionable kid conversation. We all (possibly) have that one insensitive person that will ask the annoying kid questions (i.e. When are you going to have kids? You’re clock is ticking.) or make insensitive statements (i.e. ‘Just let it go.’ ‘At least fill in the blank.’).
  3. If it’s a situation when gifts are being opened, find out if the kids can have their prior to your arrival so you have to feel like the odd one out.
  4. Stay home and have a lovely time with your spouse.
  5. Plan an amazing vacation to Anywheresville, stick your toes in the sand, and have a Margherita or five.
I hope that this will be helpful for any TTCers going through a similar struggle. Take good care of your heart. Love yourself and your spouse through the holidays and try to enjoy one another. In the meantime, I will have the highest of hopes that your miracle will move from your heart into your arms.