Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. At this moment, many families are remembering their little loved ones that they only shared moments with, but those moments changed their lives forever. My husband and I are one of those families. We walked through a very painful journey of infertility due to my diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and having blocked and damaged fallopian tubes. In the almost 5 years of us trying to start a family, we have grieved the loss of 3 pregnancies. This, however, was not the end of our story…
Starting ‘Over’ Story
In my last post, you read about my very good news. Recently, I was informed of a company called Compass that is currently based in NY and DC that uses people’s personality and interests in order to help them find a place called Home. They have a series called Starter Stories where people have been sharing the journey of their starter home. I thought I’d share where I am in my journey as well.
In 2009, my husband and I started over by moving a thousand miles from home after a very challenging period in our lives. A few years after moving, we decided to put down roots and buy our home. I can definitely say that it was a bit of a nerve-racking experience. We looked at places for months. We put in offers, fell in love with other houses, until we got to the one that we live in now. When I walked in, it was completely empty. I wasn’t very sure about the house yet and it wasn’t love at first sight for me. I walked through the living room, then the dining room, through the kitchen, and eventually ended up at a large empty room. When I saw it, I knew this was the house for us. Now, I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else, right now.
The other ‘start’ that is adding to the joy and love of our home is our sweet little baby that we tried for 4 1/2 years to conceive. With a baby due to arrive in 4 months, I’ve been nesting pretty hard. We’ve been setting up the nursery, painting walls, doing gardens, and purging. It’s funny how we are getting around to a lot of the things that we’ve always wanted to get around to. Knowing that we have a little one on the way has put a rush on a lot of the procrastination, so we’ve been doing amazingly with our timeline of organizing our home. There’s still so much to do but I think every homeowner realizes that once you change something, you’ll notice all the other things you want to change.
Our home has been a place filled with many new beginnings. We started a new life in a new city, adopted our sweet little dog Milo, and we are starting the journey of parenthood. We couldn’t have asked for better firsts.
You don’t have to be perfect to start. If you fail, don’t be afraid to start again. xoxo
Good Things Happen
Hello Peeps! I know it’s been such a long time since I’ve blogged and I definitely missed it. Things have been on super duper mode ’round these parts. I’m on my last 395 hours of school and I’m counting down every day. So many great things have been going on musically and creatively that I am really excited about.
The other things I’ve been crazy busy with is making a baby.
We are expecting!!!
It’s a very interesting story and nothing short of a miracle. I’ll let you in on the details later. We are so excited to share this news with you all. You have been such a great comfort to me in this journey; I could never repay you all for your kind words, messages, and encouragement.
Now that I’m out of the first trimester and a lot less exhausted, I’ll be around a little more often.
See ya later, Alligator!
This Time, Then
Last year, today, was one of the happiest days of my life. Jason and I were on a mini-vacation in the mountains of Tennessee, and we found out that we were pregnant. It was a complete shock to us both. We’d already been trying for a few years, to no avail. After being diagnosed with PCOS and working hard to do all of the practical things that I could to take better care of my body, it finally happened. Every early pregnancy discomfort was the greatest joy I had ever experienced. The nausea, sore boobs, my food aversions (particularly chocolate and eggs), the tiredness, all of it. Beautiful.
Today, I am sad. I am mourning. I’m empty handed and heavy hearted. This is where I am, today. I have been pregnant twice after this loss. The second’s due date was my birthday this year. There really is no way to full describe how much this hurts, especially after such a long journey. I’m having such a difficult time emotionally because I’m trying to find healthy ways of protecting my heart, but still be in a society filled with big bellies and babies, to not allow bitterness to interfere with the parts of my heart that is so incredibly happy for the blessings of others. This balance is very difficult to maintain, without completely ignoring my own feelings and needs. Some people may never understand the plight of a woman or family that is dealing with fertility issues, and that is perfectly okay. If you’re a person that doesn’t understand and you really care to, ask. Ask how you can help. Ask if you can pray.
No matter how far in time i’m removed from these memories, it will still have a prick in my heart. They were lives that I prayed so hard for, that I would have moved mountains to have. Yet today, I sit here, empty handed and heavy hearted, holding the onesie we purchased in Gatlinburg to remind us of the day we found out that we would finally be parents.
The good thing is, there is a tomorrow. Tomorrow doesn’t make it hurt any less, but it provides me with hope for the future. Jason and I have been incredibly blessed with people that love and support us, from all walks of life. We know that we will hold our children one day. We are in grateful anticipation for the first ultrasound, hearing the heartbeat, and watching that first breath. I look forward to the day that I can tell them about all of the people that prayed, contributed, and anticipated their arrival with us.
But, for today, I will sit here, empty handed and heavy hearted for the 3 precious beings that I am so tenderly missing.