Starting ‘Over’ Story

In my last post, you read about my very good news. Recently, I was informed of a company called Compass that is currently based in NY and DC that uses people’s personality and interests in order to help them find a place called Home. They have a series called Starter Stories where people have been sharing the journey of their starter home. I thought I’d share where I am in my journey as well.

In 2009, my husband and I started over by moving a thousand miles from home after a very challenging period in our lives. A few years after moving, we decided to put down roots and buy our home. I can definitely say that it was a bit of a nerve-racking experience. We looked at places for months. We put in offers, fell in love with other houses, until we got to the one that we live in now. When I walked in, it was completely empty. I  wasn’t very sure about the house yet and it wasn’t love at first sight for me. I walked through the living room, then the dining room, through the kitchen, and eventually ended up at a large empty room. When I saw it, I knew this was the house for us. Now, I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else, right now.

The other ‘start’ that is adding to the joy and love of our home is our sweet little baby that we tried for 4 1/2 years to conceive. With a baby due to arrive in 4 months, I’ve been nesting pretty hard. We’ve been setting up the nursery, painting walls, doing gardens, and purging. It’s funny how we are getting around to a lot of the things that we’ve always wanted to get around to. Knowing that we have a little one on the way has put a rush on a lot of the procrastination, so we’ve been doing amazingly with our timeline of organizing our home. There’s still so much to do but I think every homeowner realizes that once you change something, you’ll notice all the other things you want to change.

Our home has been a place filled with many new beginnings. We started a new life in a new city, adopted our sweet little dog Milo, and we are starting the journey of parenthood. We couldn’t have asked for better firsts.

You don’t have to be perfect to start. If you fail, don’t be afraid to start again. xoxo

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This Time, Then

Last year, today, was one of the happiest days of my life. Jason and I were on a mini-vacation in the mountains of Tennessee, and we found out that we were pregnant. It was a complete shock to us both. We’d already been trying for a few years, to no avail. After being diagnosed with PCOS and working hard to do all of the practical things that I could to take better care of my body, it finally happened. Every early pregnancy discomfort was the greatest joy I had ever experienced. The nausea, sore boobs, my food aversions (particularly chocolate and eggs), the tiredness, all of it. Beautiful.

Today, I am sad. I am mourning. I’m empty handed and heavy hearted. This is where I am, today. I have been pregnant twice after this loss. The second’s due date was my birthday this year. There really is no way to full describe how much this hurts, especially after such a long journey. I’m having such a difficult time emotionally because I’m trying to find healthy ways of protecting my heart, but still be in a society filled with big bellies and babies, to not allow bitterness to interfere with the parts of my heart that is so incredibly happy for the blessings of others. This balance is very difficult to maintain, without completely ignoring my own feelings and needs. Some people may never understand the plight of a woman or family that is dealing with fertility issues, and that is perfectly okay. If you’re a person that doesn’t understand and you really care to, ask. Ask how you can help. Ask if you can pray.

No matter how far in time i’m removed from these memories, it will still have a prick in my heart. They were lives that I prayed so hard for, that I would have moved mountains to have. Yet today, I sit here, empty handed and heavy hearted, holding the onesie we purchased in Gatlinburg to remind us of the day we found out that we would finally be parents.

The good thing is, there is a tomorrow. Tomorrow doesn’t make it hurt any less, but it provides me with hope for the future. Jason and I have been incredibly blessed with people that love and support us, from all walks of life. We know that we will hold our children one day. We are in grateful anticipation for the first ultrasound, hearing the heartbeat, and watching that first breath. I look forward to the day that I can tell them about all of the people that prayed, contributed, and anticipated their arrival with us.

But, for today, I will sit here, empty handed and heavy hearted for the 3 precious beings that I am so tenderly missing.

x

Outfit // Date Night + Cigarette Pants

One word of advice for you married folks: Never stop dating your spouse. Ever.

Top// Forever21  Shoes// Guess via TJMaxx  Jeans// Nine West via Marshalls Clutch// TJMaxx

I honestly didn’t even realize that Nine West made jeans until I found these cigarette pants. I actually found them on clearance so I couldn’t leave them. It’s actually pretty difficult for me to find jeans that are a good length on me without my having to roll them up. Don’t get me wrong, I like a good rolled up pant, but sometimes I want to be able to wear heels (btw, I seriously could’ve worn these shoes ALL DAY…they were so comfy) and have my jeans stop right at my ankle.

 

 

 

Our sweet friends (with the biggest hearts and the best teeth) gave Jay and I a night out at a very delicious italian restaurant. I don’t eat pasta (that isn’t gluten free) very often, but this place has some seriously yummy food.

I think Jay had the pork loin with a grilled peach (which I ate) and roasted potatoes with rosemary. I had pasta with shrimp and a light lemon sauce. It was glorious. The atmosphere was relaxing as well. Jason was heading out on a work trip so it was the perfect time to get some face time with one another before he left and before I got busier.

 

Sometimes we have to purposefully uncomplicated our lives and just be together. Have (or make) a meal together. Enjoy a nice glass of wine. Go for a walk and watch the sunset.

 

Be weird together. xoxo

Our Journey to Becoming Parents

The journey of starting a family started for us back in mid 2010. It has always been a deep desire for us to have children for many different reasons. My childhood was very difficult, marred by extreme physical and emotional abuse to myself, my brothers, and my mother. I watched people that I was suppose to respect and look up to, take advantage of others and hurt people without remorse. So to me, having children means continuing a new legacy of people (that started with my brothers and I) that I hope will affect positive change in this world. To Jason, having children means being able to be a present father to his kids, which is something he didn’t experience as his father passed when he was 8 years old. And to us, it means laughter, joy, and little footsteps filling an empty house.

After trying to start a family for almost 2 years, we went to the doctor to see what the issue was. It was then that I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). At that moment, a lot of things began to make sense due to the physiological issues I’d been experiencing. PCOS is an endocrine (hormonal) disorder that currently has no cure. Some of the symptoms include:

• Insulin resistance
• Lack of ovulation
• Infertility
• Male patterned baldness or thinning hair
• Abnormal hair growth in places like the chin, chest, back
• Weight gain or obesity; typically around the waist
• Patches of darkened skin on different places of the body

After finding out about this syndrome, I worked as hard as I could to lose the stubborn weight to hopefully get my body back into gear. I also began taking the daily medication prescribed by my doctor to try and balance my hormones.

In making the necessary dietary changes for my body’s needs due to the syndrome, I finally began losing weight. Then on my 27th birthday, August 14, 2013, I found out that I was pregnant. Jason and I were so excited and nervous all at the same time. All of the hard work and dedication seemed to be paying off. Shortly after, I was in severe pain on the right side. We then found out that our pregnancy was tubal. We were devastated. The doctors were fearful that my tube would rupture because of the amount of bleeding and the pain I was in, so on September 5th, they dissolved my pregnancy with double shots of methatrexate.

We were devastated. I was so afraid that this was my only chance because of how difficult it was for us to get pregnant at all. Part of the difficulty in ‘resolving’ a pregnancy is the waiting. For weeks, I had to wait for the pregnancy hormones in my body to return to zero. My body would still think it was pregnant although there was no one there.

Shortly after, I found out that I was pregnant again on December 5th. I was ecstatic and shocked because I wasn’t expecting it at all. I was also very scared. Any little feeling felt like something was wrong. I started bleeding again but I wasn’t in any pain so the doctors just told me that bleeding can be normal and not to worry. Because I have PCOS, they have difficulty pinpointing when I ovulate so they weren’t sure exactly how far along I was, but based upon my numbers, I was at about the 7 week mark.I was so excited to get through to the second trimester so I could let myself enjoy being pregnant. But instead, the doctor told me that I am miscarrying because my hCG began to drop. Everything sank inside of me. I went on to do a D&C and methatrexate on January 17 of 2014.

I tried to resume life normally, but it proved to be very difficult. The reminder of my losses ached inside of me every time I saw a baby or a pregnant women. It became difficult to leave my house because I just couldn’t get away from the sad and painful reminder. Every day that went by, I would think “I would be X amount of weeks today.”

After this pregnancy loss, we ended up getting our dog, Milo. It was difficult to rectify my life not changing in any way, as one would expect when they are expecting. He was a great addition to our silent home and our empty hearts.

Shortly after having the second pregnancy loss, we began to see a new doctor that was 2 hours away from us because of insurance logistics and what was available to us. They did an exam to make sure my tubes were open. We then found out that my left tube is blocked and my right tube was seemingly open. We left the office that day with an answer and some hope because it only takes one tube.

On April 26, 2014, after taking oral fertility medication with our new doctor in Knoxville, we found out that we were pregnant again. We were shocked and excited. I called our nurse and she was shocked too because we had gotten such a strong positive. When we went in for our first ultrasound, the doctor informed us that the pregnancy was growing but it was in my right tube. I hear a small sniffle behind me. When I looked back, Jason began to sob. The doctor and nurse gave us some privacy and we sat in the room and cried together.

This last pregnancy resolved itself. The doctor explained that he may want to do exploratory surgery. Our other option is in vitro Fertilization (IVF) which is a costly procedure that bypasses the tubes by eggs being removed directly from the ovary, fertilized outside of the womb, and implanted in the uterus. Statistically speaking, after 2-3 ectopic pregnancies, doctors say that women have between a 50-90% chance of having another one.

At this point, the emotional and physical difficulties of trying for 3 1/2 years and experiencing recurring pregnancy loss and the resolution of them  is very taxing on us in every way. We’ve incurred medical bills for babies that we haven’t been able to take home and broken hearts from our hopes being deferred.

We are so grateful to the Golden’s for their generosity in fundraising for us to be able to do the IVF procedure. To us, IVF means a home filled with the joy of new life; it means beautiful memories and new family traditions; it means the restoration and continuation of our legacy.

Friends, family, and even strangers have been so kind in asking how they can help and what they can do. Only because we’ve been asked, we would humbly ask that you consider donating to the fundraiser set up by our dear friends, Kara and Andy. For information, you can visit the You Caring page HERE.