Starting ‘Over’ Story

In my last post, you read about my very good news. Recently, I was informed of a company called Compass that is currently based in NY and DC that uses people’s personality and interests in order to help them find a place called Home. They have a series called Starter Stories where people have been sharing the journey of their starter home. I thought I’d share where I am in my journey as well.

In 2009, my husband and I started over by moving a thousand miles from home after a very challenging period in our lives. A few years after moving, we decided to put down roots and buy our home. I can definitely say that it was a bit of a nerve-racking experience. We looked at places for months. We put in offers, fell in love with other houses, until we got to the one that we live in now. When I walked in, it was completely empty. I  wasn’t very sure about the house yet and it wasn’t love at first sight for me. I walked through the living room, then the dining room, through the kitchen, and eventually ended up at a large empty room. When I saw it, I knew this was the house for us. Now, I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else, right now.

The other ‘start’ that is adding to the joy and love of our home is our sweet little baby that we tried for 4 1/2 years to conceive. With a baby due to arrive in 4 months, I’ve been nesting pretty hard. We’ve been setting up the nursery, painting walls, doing gardens, and purging. It’s funny how we are getting around to a lot of the things that we’ve always wanted to get around to. Knowing that we have a little one on the way has put a rush on a lot of the procrastination, so we’ve been doing amazingly with our timeline of organizing our home. There’s still so much to do but I think every homeowner realizes that once you change something, you’ll notice all the other things you want to change.

Our home has been a place filled with many new beginnings. We started a new life in a new city, adopted our sweet little dog Milo, and we are starting the journey of parenthood. We couldn’t have asked for better firsts.

You don’t have to be perfect to start. If you fail, don’t be afraid to start again. xoxo

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Good Things Happen

Hello Peeps! I know it’s been such a long time since I’ve blogged and I definitely missed it. Things have been on super duper mode ’round these parts. I’m on my last 395 hours of school and I’m counting down every day. So many great things have been going on musically and creatively that I am really excited about.

The other things I’ve been crazy busy with is making a baby.

We are expecting!!!

It’s a very interesting story and nothing short of a miracle. I’ll let you in on the details later. We are so excited to share this news with you all. You have been such a great comfort to me in this journey; I could never repay you all for your kind words, messages, and encouragement.

Now that I’m out of the first trimester and a lot less exhausted, I’ll be around a little more often.

Until then,
See ya later, Alligator!

Our Journey to Becoming Parents

The journey of starting a family started for us back in mid 2010. It has always been a deep desire for us to have children for many different reasons. My childhood was very difficult, marred by extreme physical and emotional abuse to myself, my brothers, and my mother. I watched people that I was suppose to respect and look up to, take advantage of others and hurt people without remorse. So to me, having children means continuing a new legacy of people (that started with my brothers and I) that I hope will affect positive change in this world. To Jason, having children means being able to be a present father to his kids, which is something he didn’t experience as his father passed when he was 8 years old. And to us, it means laughter, joy, and little footsteps filling an empty house.

After trying to start a family for almost 2 years, we went to the doctor to see what the issue was. It was then that I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). At that moment, a lot of things began to make sense due to the physiological issues I’d been experiencing. PCOS is an endocrine (hormonal) disorder that currently has no cure. Some of the symptoms include:

• Insulin resistance
• Lack of ovulation
• Infertility
• Male patterned baldness or thinning hair
• Abnormal hair growth in places like the chin, chest, back
• Weight gain or obesity; typically around the waist
• Patches of darkened skin on different places of the body

After finding out about this syndrome, I worked as hard as I could to lose the stubborn weight to hopefully get my body back into gear. I also began taking the daily medication prescribed by my doctor to try and balance my hormones.

In making the necessary dietary changes for my body’s needs due to the syndrome, I finally began losing weight. Then on my 27th birthday, August 14, 2013, I found out that I was pregnant. Jason and I were so excited and nervous all at the same time. All of the hard work and dedication seemed to be paying off. Shortly after, I was in severe pain on the right side. We then found out that our pregnancy was tubal. We were devastated. The doctors were fearful that my tube would rupture because of the amount of bleeding and the pain I was in, so on September 5th, they dissolved my pregnancy with double shots of methatrexate.

We were devastated. I was so afraid that this was my only chance because of how difficult it was for us to get pregnant at all. Part of the difficulty in ‘resolving’ a pregnancy is the waiting. For weeks, I had to wait for the pregnancy hormones in my body to return to zero. My body would still think it was pregnant although there was no one there.

Shortly after, I found out that I was pregnant again on December 5th. I was ecstatic and shocked because I wasn’t expecting it at all. I was also very scared. Any little feeling felt like something was wrong. I started bleeding again but I wasn’t in any pain so the doctors just told me that bleeding can be normal and not to worry. Because I have PCOS, they have difficulty pinpointing when I ovulate so they weren’t sure exactly how far along I was, but based upon my numbers, I was at about the 7 week mark.I was so excited to get through to the second trimester so I could let myself enjoy being pregnant. But instead, the doctor told me that I am miscarrying because my hCG began to drop. Everything sank inside of me. I went on to do a D&C and methatrexate on January 17 of 2014.

I tried to resume life normally, but it proved to be very difficult. The reminder of my losses ached inside of me every time I saw a baby or a pregnant women. It became difficult to leave my house because I just couldn’t get away from the sad and painful reminder. Every day that went by, I would think “I would be X amount of weeks today.”

After this pregnancy loss, we ended up getting our dog, Milo. It was difficult to rectify my life not changing in any way, as one would expect when they are expecting. He was a great addition to our silent home and our empty hearts.

Shortly after having the second pregnancy loss, we began to see a new doctor that was 2 hours away from us because of insurance logistics and what was available to us. They did an exam to make sure my tubes were open. We then found out that my left tube is blocked and my right tube was seemingly open. We left the office that day with an answer and some hope because it only takes one tube.

On April 26, 2014, after taking oral fertility medication with our new doctor in Knoxville, we found out that we were pregnant again. We were shocked and excited. I called our nurse and she was shocked too because we had gotten such a strong positive. When we went in for our first ultrasound, the doctor informed us that the pregnancy was growing but it was in my right tube. I hear a small sniffle behind me. When I looked back, Jason began to sob. The doctor and nurse gave us some privacy and we sat in the room and cried together.

This last pregnancy resolved itself. The doctor explained that he may want to do exploratory surgery. Our other option is in vitro Fertilization (IVF) which is a costly procedure that bypasses the tubes by eggs being removed directly from the ovary, fertilized outside of the womb, and implanted in the uterus. Statistically speaking, after 2-3 ectopic pregnancies, doctors say that women have between a 50-90% chance of having another one.

At this point, the emotional and physical difficulties of trying for 3 1/2 years and experiencing recurring pregnancy loss and the resolution of them  is very taxing on us in every way. We’ve incurred medical bills for babies that we haven’t been able to take home and broken hearts from our hopes being deferred.

We are so grateful to the Golden’s for their generosity in fundraising for us to be able to do the IVF procedure. To us, IVF means a home filled with the joy of new life; it means beautiful memories and new family traditions; it means the restoration and continuation of our legacy.

Friends, family, and even strangers have been so kind in asking how they can help and what they can do. Only because we’ve been asked, we would humbly ask that you consider donating to the fundraiser set up by our dear friends, Kara and Andy. For information, you can visit the You Caring page HERE.

Four Months, Lost Twice

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Part of me tried to figure out if there was a better time to post this. There isn’t. The last few months have been the hardest few months I’ve experienced in a very long time.

On December 5th, I found out I was pregnant. On January 10th, I started miscarrying. On January 17th, I had a d & c.

My heart broke. Again. This was my second pregnancy loss in 4 months. I was just starting to ‘be okay’ from the loss of my last pregnancy. I don’t have enough words to describe the deep sadness that I feel. However, I am not hopeless. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I’m okay. But I’ve decided that I’m going to find freedom in being where I am, where and when I need to.

There really isn’t anything that anyone can say to take away my pain. There are no perfect words to soothe the heart that experiences loss. But, I am so incredibly blessed to have family and friends that love and support me with tears, cards, text messages, flowers, and lots of candy…and I mean the good candy.

If you know anyone that has or is experiencing loss, *PLEASE* don’t do or say things like this:
-“At least…”
-“Don’t Worry…”
-“It was meant to be…”
– Don’t compare experiences because grief is different for everyone.
– If you have kids, go extremely light on the kid talk.
– If you have kids, don’t make a habit of complaining about being tired, not using the bathroom alone, posting those “tags about pregnancy” on Facebook when you know you have friends or family members who have experienced the loss of a child. It hurt deeper than you know.
– Don’t get mad if we don’t hold your babies or go to your baby showers.

If you really want to try, DO these things:
– Ask how we are doing without trying to fix it.
– If you’re not sure what to do, ask.
– If you are looking for something to say, try these: I’m sorry this happened; I love you; I’m here.
– Do understand if we can’t attend you baby showers or kid parties.

The most beautiful thing that a few of my pregnant friends and friends with pregnant family members did was tell me before they made it public. They didn’t have to do this, but it meant the world to me.

One day, I will post a picture of my beautiful child that I will share with you as a testament of hope. Until then, I will continue living because that it all I can do. I will live well until the one that my heart longs for comes into my life.