Footprints On My Heart

Baby Footprints Heart

Sigh…here it goes. I’ve been dreading this post for a few weeks now. Posting this now isn’t my attempt at trying to get this over with, but it’s me trying to heal as the days pass and I continue to both remember and be reminded.

As I sit here typing this post, I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I should be sitting here pregnant. Right now, I should be about 9 weeks and 6 days pregnant with my first baby. Tomorrow would have been 10 days. Although I’ve been able to reintegrate into life after loss, I can’t help but feel like every day that passes is a reminder of how far I would have been.

On August 11, 2013, I had a thought. I said to myself, “Self, I think you are pregnant. Take a test.” So Myself said, “Ok,” and took a pregnancy test. After taking the test, I looked at it in the way that many women look at them…in every possible lighting and angle there is to look at it. I thought I saw a line but I wasn’t completely sure so I asked Jay and he said he thinks he saw one but he isn’t sure either. So after a few days passed, I took a First Response test at about 8 a.m. while we were away on vacation. I hadn’t even gotten a chance to put the test down before I saw the brightest positive on the side of Tennessee. My mouth dropped, my heart fluttered, and I was hungry. Cravings, blissful soreness, nausea, and sleep overcame me over the next few days. Those were some of the best days I’ve had. I remember throwing up and feeling a sense of joy overcome me for the reason of my regurgitation.

Shortly after we returned from our vacation, things started going south. I was bleeding, some of my symptoms began to disappear, and I was very afraid. Every day that passed felt like time itself tripled in length. I communicated with doctors who couldn’t tell me very much because it was so early on in my pregnancy. I had my HCG tested every other day and it seemed to be doing a tormenting dance, going up and then dropping. When I tried to make peace with a miscarriage, it went up again. The doctor concluded that my pregnancy is ectopic and they were worried because those can be very dangerous.

On September 5th at 1:30 p.m., I showed up at the doctors office distressed, tired, and defeated. I was 30 minutes late because I couldn’t make myself get off of the couch knowing that I was going to terminate my pregnancy. For 45 minutes, they tried to inject me and for 45 minutes, I cried.

I didn’t want that moment to be my last memory of my pregnancy so I purchased a little chest to place everything from that pocket of time (as Kara would say) to remind myself of God’s blessing of my pregnancy, that it really happened, and so I will never forget. Today, I still cry. I cry because I am sad. I am frustrated and heart broken. I cry when I think about how my little silver chest holds all of the hopes and dreams that my husband and I had for this life, for us as a family, and the future of what would have been our baby.

Though my heart is broken, I will continue to move forward because it is the only choice I have.


31 thoughts on “Footprints On My Heart

  1. Satoya (and Jason),
    I am so, so very sorry for your loss. My heart is broken for you both, and I grieve with you. I know there are no words I can say to offer any comfort, as I know there have been no words for Natalie and I in our journey with this, with loss, grief, trying to keep hope alive when it sometimes seems like we might not make it another day. But I am praying for you both – praying that Jesus would come for your hearts. Thank you for your courage and your vulnerability in sharing this.

    In Christ’s Love,

    1. Thank you so much, Andrew. We appreciate the prayers and support so much more than we can say. I have been praying for you and Natalie as well. You both are in my thoughts very often. All the best to you both!

  2. I am sending you so much love right now, more than your heart can hold. I am so heart broken for you. The sad thing about Cysters is that we can relate. While every situation is different and I cannot know exactly how you feel, my heart goes out to you and your husband. I’m praying for peace in this chaotic, emotional time for you. Your time will come, Mama…hopefully soon. *big hug*

    1. Thank you so much. I do take some comfort that I actually got pregnant naturally despite not responding to clomid in the past. We really appreciate the support and comfort. I also really love hugs, so that is greatly appreciated too! xoxoxo

  3. Oh my! Sweetheart! We didn’t know you were even trying!! I’m so so so sorry for your loss. There are no words that are deep enough to help you feel better, but just know that you have so many women behind you to help you heal and start to move forward. It is extremely devastating and traumatizing to go through this…and I just pray that this is the last of your trying days. I pray that you get pregnant with a little bundle of joy soon. Was your pregnancy hard to achieve with PCOS?

    1. Thank you for you comforting words and prayers! We have been trying for 2 years. Honestly, many people didn’t know that we were trying because it’s such a vulnerable place to be in, particularly with my body not functioning normally. PCOS made it very difficult. I take comfort in knowing that I did everything that I could with regards to dietary changes, exercise, and taking my prescribed medication to get my body in a healthy place. I think that makes this a bit more frustrating because I feel like I did everything I was suppose to.

      Thanks again for your kind words. ❤

      1. Oh no. My heart just aches for you. Please share more..let us be your support because it is absolutely so difficult. It will all happen in due time, and just like you feel like you did everything right…just remember that this is also meant to be, and hopefully it will only get better from here. Your little one is in heaven ❤️ please keep in touch! Will keep thinking of you!

  4. satoya,
    i am so sorry for your loss. there are no words…i will be praying for you and Jason. i can empathize with you…the loss i felt after both of my miscarriages was stunning. i know how it feels to count each day as where “i would have been” if i has still been pregnant. i am so sorry.

  5. I’m really sorry for your loss and that you have to go through this. It really is hard and it destroys the heart. Some days will be harder than others, but, don’t loose hope 🙂

  6. I’m sincerely sorry that you had to go through that. My mother went through a lot of heartache when it came to pregnancies. She had 5 miscarriages before me. Two doctors told her to give up and get her tubes tied. But she didn’t give up faith and went to a third doctor that joined in faith with her. She prayed. Had the entire church to pray but most of all let go of all unforgiveness in her heart towards others. Next then she knew it, she was pregnant with me and I would like to think that I came out pretty alright! lol

    I say all that to say this. It’s okay to feel sad. Just don’t give up. Don’t let it completely steal your joy. If you got to cry, let it all out. Take things one day at a time, one week at a time, one month at a time. Time and God heals all. Continue to seek God for peace and he will grant it to you. Know that your little one is in heaven and will be there for you to meet someday! =)

    1. Thank you for your hopeful words! I’m certain that you are awesome being an INFJ!! Haha. I am an I/E NFJ. I’m equally introverted as I am extroverted. We aren’t giving up and we are very hopeful. It doesn’t remove the sting from how it feels, but we believe we’ll have our miracle.

  7. Oh my dear sweet Satoya,

    I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how you must feel. How we love that little speck that grows within us, long before it even resembles anything human. You and Jason have so much love in you and I know that God has a very special plan for you. Allow yourselves to cry and cry and cry. Hold each other close and trust in The Lord. I believe that He is crying with you and I know that He loves you.


    1. Thank you for your comforting words. There isn’t another feeling in the world like having a little one growing and the connection with him/her. I grieved privately for some time, but then I found myself needing to validate my pregnancy and I felt that the best way to honor my heart and my family was to share. Especially when I know that this story is familiar to others. I want other affected by pregnancy loss to know that they aren’t alone. Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers! All of my LOVE to you!!!

  8. I feel your pain. 4 years ago I miscarried our first little one, it was the most heart rending experience of my life, it still hurts & sadness creeps up on me at the strangest times (grieving is strange). 😥 Please accept my sympathies for your loss and I wish you good health in the future.

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I’m learning the importance of transparency through this whole process. I grieved privately for a few weeks but there are so many people that have been through pregnancy and/or infant loss and are struggling and feeling alone; this shouldn’t happen. Thanks again for your transparency and you kind words.

  9. Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing. I ache for you both and pray that God sends you peace on this grief journey. If we were still apartment buddies, I’d bring you a meal.
    Love you, friend.

  10. It’s heartbreaking that this sort of thing happens so often to ladies with PCOS. I’m so sorry to hear about your ordeal, but I think you are continuing to show remarkable strength and positivity in spite of everything you have been through. Like you’ve said – you have done all you can to help your PCOS and you did manage to get pregnant, although things haven’t worked out as hoped there is still hope for you both. I hope you continue to take care of yourself, stay positive and keep fighting the good fight 🙂 Thank you for sharing your story with us all. x

  11. Oh, Satoya, that is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry to hear this news for you and Jason. Sending you both good vibes and lots of love and healing.

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